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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27056059">Only You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MakaylaJade/pseuds/MakaylaJade'>MakaylaJade</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>For The Gods: The Bria Monique Series [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bisexual Derek Morgan, Bottom Spencer Reid, Drag Queens, Emotional Hurt, Freeform, Gay Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sex, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Poetic, unedited</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 20:42:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,082</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27056059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MakaylaJade/pseuds/MakaylaJade</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer didn’t know how not to think of Derek. It seemed that he had taken up a permanent residence in the empty spot where his heart used to be, and it was now just a sea of thoughts about him. </p><p>Spencer didn’t know what was worse; drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>For The Gods: The Bria Monique Series [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969837</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>105</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Only You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello all! This is the fourth work in For The Gods: The Bria Monique Series. This one is a bit heavy and I apologize for all of the poetry weaved into my writing -- I can't resist it! </p><p>I hope you enjoy :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Derek had ruined Spencer for any other. But Spencer would never regret him, or the love for him which gnawed at his very being. All he could do was cleave away the wanting flesh from his bones and hope that Derek was suffering too. He just hoped that whenever Derek looked at him, he would see the man that he was and not the character he portrayed, because he was so much more than a persona. Hell, as pretty as he was in drag, he would always be a man, and he was fine with that. He only wondered if Derek was too. His experience with Jayden was not something he had taken for granted. It had been beautiful while it lasted, and the love he felt for him he had been real at some point, but as his infatuation with Derek expanded into more than just attraction, Spencer knew that they could never last. Spencer didn’t know how not to think of Derek. It seemed that he had taken up a permanent residence in the empty spot where his heart used to be, and it was now just a sea of thoughts about him.</p><p> </p><p>Spencer didn’t know what was worse; drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst.</p><p> </p><p>When Spencer got into these moods, all he wanted to do was hide from his issues. And he did that, in the form of drag. Perhaps it had been his first real coping mechanism for the depression he undoubtedly suffered when he was younger, and as brilliant as he was, he never liked to label himself as someone suffering from a mental illness. He wasn’t the type, frankly, because the possibility of contracting schizophrenia before the age of thirty was already crippling enough. He didn’t need to focus on labels; they were too constricting. He was a man of science, but could he also not be a man of valiance?</p><p> </p><p>Spencer couldn’t dance. Everyone knew that. He was awkward and his limbs were too long and uncoordinated for him to even pull off the simplest of club dancing, but Bria Monique? She was a different story. He had never taken a professional dance lesson in his entire life, and like most of the things he knew, it was self taught. Though, to admit that he had spent countless hours, alone, choreographing something or learning a choreography he liked was embarrassing.</p><p> </p><p>But Bria Monique liked to be free, and her inexperience was perhaps what made it so mesmerizing to watch her perform. Even when he watched recordings of his performances, he almost didn’t recognize it as himself since the movements, the rhythm, the overall coordination was so unlike him. Bria was all of the parts of him he was too embarrassed to show in his every day life, but he was fine with that, because he couldn’t be carefree like that on a day to day basis. He was too uptight, but to be Bria meant to let loose and simply have fun. Those breaks were what he lived for.</p><p> </p><p>Which was also why he began to go to the club more frequently again, just as he had done before he met Jayden. Men would come and go, but Derek was all he thought about when he opened himself up to the pleasures of the night, and he imagined, with every fiber of his being, that it was truly him who held him close and made love to him. Spencer tried to forget about Derek, but he couldn’t deny the fact that, every time he let his mind wander, it always found someway back to him. It was useless to try, simply enough. The men who touched him and showed him passion would never replace Derek — not even Jayden could conquer such a hefty deed. It was too much, and Spencer knew that despite how painful it was to keep it all inside, it was the easy way out. Confronting Derek would be too painful, and he wouldn’t be able to handle that.</p><p> </p><p>He had been losing weight. He was already skinny before, but when he looked at his uncovered body in the pale bathroom light, he was saddened with himself. His bones pressed against his skin so hard, and one would think that they were dying to scream out his secrets to anyone who cared enough to listen. But perhaps the greatest tragedy of all was that he didn’t have anyone who would listen. They always came to him to relay <em>their</em> troubles, but they never bothered asking if <em>he </em>needed someone to listen.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re stunning,” the man above him breathed into his ear, and as the realization struck a drunken Spencer, he knew that what he was doing was wrong. He was transferring his own feelings for Derek, and he had never been so disappointed in himself in all his life. He was in a cave which was slowly collapsing around him, and it seemed the only two options he had were suffocation or confession. It was strange how at first he almost considered the suffocation as the only viable decision.</p><p> </p><p>But he knew he had to tell Derek. He couldn’t live his life like this, sleeping with men who would only pose as distractions without actually giving him the sense of fulfillment he so desperately desired. Only Derek could do that to him. So, long after the man had left him, Spencer lay on the hotel bed, naked, gazing up at the cracked ceiling and wondering when he had fallen <em>so far </em>from grace. Tears fell down his makeup-covered face and his painted lips trembled, but he didn’t make a sound. This was a moment of silence for the pain he had inflicted upon himself. He had come undone, but he couldn’t pull himself together alone. Before he realized what he was doing, he was reaching for his nearby cellphone, calling the one contact who never seemed to escape him, and the sound of his voice was a solace in itself.</p><p> </p><p>“Reid?” Derek questioned, sounding half asleep while the sound of rustling carried through the speaker. “It’s like three in the morning, man. What’s going on?”</p><p> </p><p>Spencer didn’t answer at first, mainly because he didn’t know what to say. He considered hanging up, but he knew that Derek would only be concerned and most likely call him back until he answered. He had started this and it was too late to back out now. He didn’t want to be alone anymore, and he only hoped that the attraction Derek had for him was still there and wasn’t just a temporary fix of emotions. Maybe he was just Derek’s eye candy at work. He didn’t want it to be as shallow as that, but it wouldn’t surprise him to learn that was the truth.</p><p> </p><p>“Reid?” Derek said again, the background rustling growing a bit frantic, hurried. When Spencer had yet to respond again, the rising panic wasn’t easy to miss in Derek’s voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Spencer, talk to me, what’s going on? Do you need help?” A sob finally broke his lips apart and cracked his exterior open raw. His body was shaking so violently that he felt like he was convulsing, his tears streaking black down his cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>“I need you,” Spencer whispered, the sound a mere vibration in a room of sorrows. Another moment of silence from Derek, but when he spoke again, Spencer almost screamed with relief that he had not been forgotten so easily.</p><p> </p><p>“Where are you?” Derek asked him, his previously husky, sleepy voice now fully awake and serious. Spencer stammered out the address of the hotel, curling up on his side now with his back to the door, hardly a care in the world for his nudity. Derek needed to see the extent of the damage he had caused. Derek didn’t know it yet, but it was his fault that Spencer loved him so desperately. It was <em>his </em>fault that Spencer woke up breathless from dreams of pure bliss. <em>His </em>fault that he felt his chest tighten up whenever he saw him at work. <em>His </em>fault that every word he said only encouraged the butterflies in his stomach to flutter more rapidly.</p><p> </p><p>Spencer’s eyes had fallen shut at some point throughout it all, and he didn’t even move as the door was pushed open, clearly not closed entirely from his previous partner’s exit. He heard the sound of a deep, somewhat shaky exhale, and slowly, he turned his head from where he lay on his side, glancing back over his bare shoulder, his face glistening from the tears, while his makeup was smeared over his face in a way that, should it have been any other situation, it might have been funny. But this was far from funny. This was the personification of heartbreak itself.</p><p> </p><p>“Reid…” Morgan said quietly, not moving from where he stood in the doorway for a few seconds at least before his weight shifted and he pushed the door closed behind him, taking cautious steps towards the bed. He was somewhat surprised by his usually conservative peer’s naked state, but he didn’t let him distract him from the true issue at hand here; Spencer was hurting, and he needed to figure out why.</p><p> </p><p>His hand rose slowly as if to touch the other man’s arm, but he stopped himself and instead opted to sit himself down on the edge of the bed, looking down Spencer’s bare back and nearly shivering at the sight of his nearly emaciated form. But regardless, he was still stunning, even in his current state. Derek was reminded of his infinite attraction for the other man all over again, and was quick to realize that it wasn’t the body alone that he found attractive. It was the fact that that body belonged to <em>Spencer.</em></p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t that Spencer’s physical form was unattractive, but he was so much more than that. Derek had begun to reminisce the time they had spent together over the past five years, and the more he thought about Spencer the more he realized that his feelings for the other man had started long ago, perhaps the very moment that Gideon had introduced the BAU’s newest agent as well as the bureau’s youngest agent in history: The brilliant Dr. Spencer Reid.</p><p> </p><p>It pained him to know that he was unwell. He hadn’t been taking care of himself, that much was clear.</p><p> </p><p>“Talk to me, man. What’s going on?” Derek asked him quietly, hoping that if he could get Reid talking, he would tell him one way or another. But Spencer remained completely and utterly silent, his long legs curling tighter and if Derek was seeing things correctly, the cloudy liquid dripping from in between his thighs was not of clean origin. His heart rate sped up and his vision began to redden. Had he been… Had…</p><p> </p><p>“Spencer, did someone… <em>hurt </em>you?” He questioned quietly, being careful of his word choice. He was careful to keep his tone even too so as to not upset Spencer further. But upon hearing the statement, Spencer looked back at him and shook his head almost shyly, a look of severe humiliation present on his face.</p><p> </p><p>“Only you,” Spencer whispered in response, turning to lay on his back. Derek didn’t make a sound, only shifting slightly as the weight on the bed moved. He would have looked away had it been any other time, but his eyes refused to look away. He was confused when the blame was put on him, but the beautiful creature spread across this bed prevented him from thinking about it too deeply. His eyes followed the slender curve of his neck, over his sharp collarbones and down to the subtle rise of his chest. Derek licked his lips nervously, daring himself to catch a glimpse of his stomach but immediately looking back up when he could no longer handle the way his bones prodded against his skin. Spencer had always been skinny and even somewhat bony, but this was beyond that. This was comparable to starvation, and Derek wondered when Spencer had last eaten a full meal.</p><p> </p><p>“What did I do?” Derek murmured softly, hesitantly raising his hand up to touch Reid’s bare shoulder, the man regarding him with a small sideways glance before his eyes returned to the ceiling above him, the pathetic excuse of one anyway. It was cracking in many places and there was even a small hole near the corner. Derek brushed his hand down to his bicep and then back up to his shoulder, wanting it to be platonic even if they both knew it was more than that.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s just the thing,” Spencer started, keeping his voice soft before his eyes met Derek’s and his hand came up to rest over the larger one on his shoulder, his fingers sliding over his knuckles carefully. “You didn’t <em>do</em> anything.”</p><p> </p><p>Morgan looked somewhat taken aback, baffled, and he moved his hand so that he could hold Spencer’s more firmly, but he kept his eyes locked onto Spencer’s face, and oh, how beautiful he was even with makeup smeared all about. His free hand rose up to cup Spencer’s cheek and he attempted to brush away some of the flakes of mascara, but it only proved fruitless when he ended up smearing it more. He knew how what Spencer was getting at — he was the one who pushed Spencer into this dilemma of late night sexual escapades and far too much alcohol consumption. He never mentioned it, but he could tell when Spencer was hungover at work. Even with the prevalent dark bags under his eyes. He had hurt Spencer by simply avoiding him and their newfound feelings for one another. He had mercilessly and ruthlessly broken Spencer’s heart, and if he had realized it before, he certainly would have done something, <em>anything</em> to prevent it from ever cracking.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, Spencer,” he said softly, growing away of the weight on the back of his neck, slender fingers curling upwards over the nape and pulling him impossibly closer until they were centimeters apart, those hazel eyes relentlessly gazing into his own.</p><p> </p><p>“No you’re not,” he breathed before smashing their lips together in a heated embrace of lips that escaped them both for so long. It was almost heaven, and Spencer felt like he had found home. As Derek’s arms came around him, he wasn’t sure if it could get any closer to perfection. Derek clutched to the other body like it was a lifeline, and he was dragged into a world where it was just him and Spencer, where he was reminded of the younger man’s radiance and <em>damn he had really messed up…</em></p><p> </p><p>Spencer pulled away after a minute or two of incessant kissing, breathless in the dirty hotel room but hardly even worried about all of the germs spread across that bedspread. How could he be? The very man he desired so was here, holding him close and responding positively to his actions. But it couldn’t be this smooth. It simply couldn’t, not after the world of hurt that Spencer had experienced without Derek.</p><p> </p><p>“You aren’t sorry,” he said in a slightly louder voice, no longer whispering and talking as he normally would. He pushed Derek away and crawled off of the bed, going to his duffle bag and fetching an outfit consisting of an FBI long sleeve shirt and a pair of sweatpants.</p><p> </p><p>“You aren’t,” he said once more before the door closed behind him and Derek was left alone. Derek pressed his face into his hands and sighed deeply, wondering just what he had gotten himself into. He looked up through his fingers at the closed bathroom door, and he knew that, as soon as Reid emerged, he couldn’t be shy anymore. He had to approach him and be honest, else he feared he would lose him for good. He did return, several minutes later with a clean face and a dressed body, and looking more miserable than he ever had. Derek rose from his seated position on the bed, approaching Reid and reaching out for him, but he was promptly ignored. Spencer moved to gather his dress from last night, bunched up on the floor. Derek was growing frustrated.</p><p> </p><p>“Spencer, please… Can’t we at least talk?” He asked desperately. From his crouched position where he was shoving last night’s outfit into his duffle bag, his heels soon following, he looked back at Derek with a heavy frown.</p><p> </p><p>“About what, Derek? How you avoided me for four months even though we <em>both know </em>that there was more than just ‘brotherly love’ between us? How I got with another guy because he reminded me <em>so fucking much </em>of you? How-How…” he raked his hands through his hair, rising to his feet and looking at Derek with such devastation tearing his face apart. Tears fell from his eyes again and Derek, unable to hold back anymore, surged forward and grasped Spencer by his arms.</p><p> </p><p>“About how madly in love I am with you!” Derek cried out, shaking Spencer a bit with his declaration until Spencer’s hands fell from his hair and found purchase over Derek’s chest, his eyes widening as a shaky sobbed passed his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t mean that,” he quickly tried to dismiss, but Derek shook him once more, his grip tight on his arms but not painfully so.</p><p> </p><p>“Spencer, I do… I do, I do, and I almost wish I didn’t because I don’t know how to look at you without imagining you as mine anymore,” he confessed, his hands traveling up to cup Spencer’s face in his hands, hoping that he could see the genuine, maddening love storming in his eyes. He must have, else he wouldn’t have pulled Derek closer again to let their lips meet again in a kiss filled with so much heartache it was almost sickening.</p><p> </p><p>“Why would you have to imagine when I’m right here?” He whispered, his breath warm on Derek’s lips. Spencer sighed shakily, and before a tear could fall from his high cheekbone, Derek’s thumb swiped it away without hesitation.</p><p> </p><p>“How can I make it up to you?” Derek’s response filtered across his conscious. Spencer was clumsy, and he wasn’t very good at love. For once, he didn’t know if there was another answer than the one he gave.</p><p> </p><p>He leaned forward and let his lips paint for Derek all of the pictures that his clumsy heart could not.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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